I’ve been planning for and preparing for this wedding for a long time. It would seem however that others have been doing the same. Let me elaborate a little.

Several months ago I sent out invitations to all my guests. These invitations contained such information as where one could stay, local taxi numbers and little nice to know bits like that. The idea was that people could then book ahead and ensure that they had their accommodation sorted out and that they could plan how they would get to and from the function. As I said, I sent these out months before.

Now, there is another wedding in the local area on the same day as mine. Fair enough, I hope they have a great day, however… whoever is organising that one is one ruthless bastard.

It would appear that whoever I or my guests ring, the other wedding party has been there first. I’m not talking about a phone call and a quick chat either. These guys are actively booking up everything in the area. I’m talking about the entirety of hotel accommodation at some hotels, and even booking a cab firm to cater solely for their own guests.

Ruthless gits eh?

I’ve toyed with the idea of calling up as an anonymous guest and booking three cabs to London, or perhaps cancelling the need for any cabs at all. I won’t though. That would be mean. Then again, there are no medals in the church grave yard as one wise man once said.

Oh well, best get back on with my own wedding planning. Though wedding sabotage sounds fun I’m a bit too busy saying as mine is tomorrow.

That darn barn…

Me again!

Surprised? Well you shouldn’t be, I mean it’s my blog isn’t it? Dumbass.

The barn project is really starting to do my nut in. When we started, it seemed to me to be a wonderful idea. It’s a very intimate location after all, and it means a lot to us. Yet I don’t think either of us had any idea what we were letting ourselves in for. At least I’ve got this blog thing to thrash out my frustration on.

I planned to start this wedding thread with pics of the barn as it was before we started. Yet that didn’t really happen, and instead I posted pics after we had already started. You can check out that post here.

I will do a kind of timeline post eventually showing the various stages of development but for now you’ll just have to be content with me rambling.

The thing is, I thought it was the sheer volume of mess that would be the difficult part. You couldn’t even see the floor for junk when we started. Where the hell were we going to put all of that? You simply cannot imagine the amount of rubbish that has come out of that barn. Fucking decades of shit.

(On a slightly positive note, we put some of that old shit on eBay and made a tidy penny.)

Here is a list of just some of the crap we’ve found in the barn.

  • A double bed, complete with frame and mattress
  • Two dressing tables
  • A bookcase
  • A car (Yes, an actual car)
  • A caravan (again…yes)
  • Three complete sets of china dishes, plates & cups
  • Approximately eight chairs of various different sizes and design
  • Roughly two hundred books
  • A dozen plant pots (not plastic shit either)
  • A treadmill
  • Two bedside cabinets
  • A trailer
  • A tractors wheel complete with tyre (Have you any idea how big that is?)
  • A hole. A fucking big hole. A diameter of maybe five feet. Perhaps four feet deep and filled with water. Stagnant sticking water.
  • A TV
  • A Microwave
  • Three generations of children’s toys. Thats a fuck load of toys.
  • About a ton of bricks and masonry.

And we’re about half way.

This stuff isn’t too bad though. The hard part is finding somewhere for it all to go.

Yet this is all dull dull dull.

What’s really yanked my crank today is the utilities. For this project to work, not only does the barn need to be empty and clean (eat your food of the floor clean), it also needs power, and a water supply.

I tested the water with Jemma about maybe not bothering with electric and going like… really rustic and ye olde and having candles everywhere. She shat all over that idea.

And water? We don’t need that do we? I mean I’ve secured us maybe four hundred pints of booze and a boatload of wine and spirits. What the hell do we need water for? Ahhh… the caterers need it do they? Really?

What?! They want a new fucking sink too?

… the pipe work? What’s wrong with the pipes? They want new ones?


…No, I haven’t forgot the enormous hole your mum almost fell in either.

Well hey, if I ever get this done, and be assured I am taking pics the whole way through, I am going to make an album. The album, will be situated by the bar, and will be a written and visual record of the barn project for all to view on the day.

I will expect much praise, a few toasts, and perhaps a small statue erected in my name.

Right, I’ve jabbed on long enough now, and you’ve likely stopped doing whatever it is you should be doing too. So I suggest you sod off. I’m not in the mood to rant anymore.

M 😦

Wedding Bells

As some of you know, Jems and I are getting hitched this year in June. This is good news.

As time draws on and we get closer and closer to that big day, my betrothed is becoming increasingly excited. I often catch her staring into space, tongue clamped between her teeth – doubtless she’s dreaming of me and how awesome I am. She’s a lucky girl.

Yet, it’s not all fun and games. We have decided to have the reception on the farm in one of the many barns. When I say this to people I get lots of ‘Oooooh, how lovely!’ Or I might get ‘Dude! That’s awesome man.’

Then I’ll show them the barn as it is now…

Yeah so, I thought maybe the guests could all just kinda perch you know?

Or how about this one…

I'm thinking of having the band sort of in the car, all kind of playing out of the windows.

Then people have a very different response. Here are some of my favourites…

‘Shit, dude… You got a lot of work here.’ (My first words when Jems showed me the barn.)

‘Argh! Okay, okay… we got a lot of work here.’ (After Jems elbowed me in the ribs.)

‘……………………..’ (A silent stare, complete with gaping mouth. The old man has a way with words.)

‘You’re mad, quite simply barking mad’

‘A ha ha ha ha ha………..’

The thing is I know it’s a lot of work. It’s ours though. It means something to us, and we’ll manage. Only a few more weeks of solid graft. I mean if we work in shifts of say twelve hours each and don’t eat or go to the toilet (that be a waste of valuable time!) then I’m sure it will all come together won’t it? Hmmmm….

‘Jem’s hun? We need to talk….’

Nah, seriously. It is a challenge, but it’s one I’m prepared to meet head on. Who cares if it impinges on my writing time? I mean they’ll be another Bridport next year right? And the Black Library will have another submission window next year…

*Sound of quiet sobbing*

Okay, I have to go now. I have been at the farm all day again today and I’m fairly sure I stink like a beer shit.